This Needs to Stop.

Tonight I started writing a post about women in gaming.  I was talking about how the little things we do and say create a culture where being male is the default and women are treated as outsiders.  Outsiders whom it’s ok to ask personal and irrelevant questions, and who should not be offended simply because offense was not intended.  I hit a wall and closed the post.

During this time I learned that a former teammate of mine died.  It was only after I gave up on the post that I learned she was trans.  For those of you who don’t know, the cause of death among transgender women in their early 20s is almost always suicide.  Given the tone of one of her friend’s posts, I’m all but certain that was the cause.  This has to stop.

It doesn’t matter that she was trans.

It doesn’t matter that she was young.

It doesn’t matter that she was an athlete.

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t really know her.

What matters is that the effect of being treated like an “other” is pain.  Deep, internal pain that makes life not worth living as long as it remains.

There are people all over the world who are treated poorly because they are outsiders.  People from all walks of life, in all sorts of categories.  Many such people happen to play video games.

I shouldn’t need to explain to you that the gaming community as a whole tolerates those who target individuals for being “different”.  I put different in quotes because even women fall into this category even though they make up approximately half the population.

I also shouldn’t need to explain that our actions have an impact on the community.  Every time we default to calling someone “he”, or call the people we’re playing with “boys”, or stay silent in an effort to avoid drama when someone calls something that displeases them “gay”, we perpetuate an idea that gaming is a space for non-queer males.

Let’s put an end to this already.

For every one asshole who asks me if I’m a woman during a game of League of Legends there are at least a hundred other players who know that that question is inappropriate.  Well guess what?  If every time someone acted inappropriately towards my former teammate Sam just for being an Other someone stood up for her, she’s probably still be chasing plastic.

I’m not going to ask you anything on behalf of Sam.  Hell I’m not even going to ask you anything on behalf of me.  She’s dead and I can take it.  But I am going to ask you something on behalf of my people, nearly all of whom are some form of Other.

Please, be active.  When someone in a game says something sexist or homophobic or transphobic or hell is just rude to someone for any stupid reason whatsoever, call them out.  Make it clear that you are on the side of the one who’s being attacked.  Avoiding drama be damned, it is not ok to attack or diminish another person just for being who they are.  I don’t know if I can do anything to fix that small percentage of assholes, but if I can encourage the rest of you to speak up then maybe, just maybe, we won’t need to see more of this.

In a blog post like this it’s easy to talk about suicide prevention as a motivator, but I think that’s overkill.  Everyone has times when they are feeling down.  Humans are most vulnerable to each other and everyone has days when they don’t want to deal with jerks.  Even if by some miracle you don’t, I promise you that someone you care about does.  When that person is going through a tough time and a stranger starts calling them slurs or objectifying and diminishing them, wouldn’t you want someone to stand up for them?

By standing up for the people you are playing with you not only help them, but you encourage a culture that doesn’t tolerate bigotry towards those Others.  It’s not just that you are an upstanding player or whatever, but your actions will actively be appreciated and that appreciation will spur those you help to do what you did.  Calling people out is hard, but in an online game you can do it with minimal risk.  As people it’s our job to protect your own, and the best way to do that in-game is to act with integrity and discourage those who do not.

 

Finally, a special note to the content creators out there:

You are extremely powerful.  YouTubers and streamers especially, you are the ones players look towards as examples of how their game is to be played.  If you are calling your team “boys”, then you are encouraging a mentality of online gaming being a male space where woman and non-binary folk are Others.  Asking you to change how you act is unfair, especially since such turns of phrase are often part of your success, but please remember that you have great power, and with that power comes responsibility.  Consider that the reason you are successful is your followers.  All of your followers.  As I’m sure you know gamers are a diverse group and it would be foolish to think your base isn’t also diverse.  Whenever you treat someone with disrespect or your tongue slips and you let out a slur, there’s a pretty good chance you are attacking one of your own.  People can change, but they will not if their role-models do not.  So please, consider carefully the kind of community you want to foster, and then work towards making that a reality.

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Why I Want to be Called “They”

Hey all,

Earlier today I send out a Tweet asking people to refer to me using “they” instead of “he”.  It occurs to me that some people might want to know why.  Specifically, why be called something that isn’t he and why they over some other word.
Heads up that I am going to try to keep the jargon to a minimum because by and large the words people use for this stuff is needlessly complicated.  If you want fancy words then feel free to ask and we can talk.
i-have-no-idea-what-i-am-doing

Why Gender-Neutral

Stereotypes
I don’t like video games because I’m a male, nor do I like wearing flowy clothes because I am feminine.  I don’t do or feel anything because of my gender and when people attribute my actions to being male it only serves to reinforce stereotypes.  As someone who’s seen (and experienced) a lot of pain from stereotypes, I have quite the prejudice against them.  While people referring to me as gender-neutral (by the way the fancy word for this is non-binary) isn’t going to stop people from stereotyping, at the very least someone might not know what to expect.
Accuracy
I have a lot of friends who feel very strongly about their gender.  In order to respect them, I need to accept that there’s something more to someone’s gender than their parts and how they are treated.  For me, I pretty much never feel male or female.  This means, according to the definition of gender I subscribe to, that I am in fact neither.  Frankly, I find that freeing.

Why They

Stereotypes
Remember how I was talking about not liking when people stereotype me?  Often when talking about someone you can refer to them as a “they” and people won’t notice.  Heck, I just did and I’m pretty sure you knew what I meant.  Since this is often the case, it allows people to refer to me in the way I like that doesn’t require a pause in a conversation in order to explain what the hell xir means.
Terrible Alternatives
Seriously, xir is only the beginning.  Here’s a list of pronouns people have come up with.  I use they for the following reasons:
1)  As stated above, people generally know what to do with it.
2)  It’s the most popular one, which means hopefully people won’t need to learn multiple sets.
3)  It makes less of a statement than some of the others.  (I’d still rather people not give a damn, and that doesn’t happen when you ask people to call you thon.)
Are there issues with they?  Hell yeah.  It’s usually used as plural which means people sometimes don’t know how to use it (“They is” or “They are”? (the answer is “They are” btw)).  Moreover for the same reason many people have an aversion to it.  While they say they has been used as a gender-neutral term for centuries, that isn’t exactly relevant.  Still, it is true that most people are familiar with some degree of singular-they.  More to the point, while it is jarring to hear or read lots of talk about someone who’s a they at first, most people in my experience get used to it pretty quickly.  Finally, there’s the issue of a lack of alternative.  While for a lot of people “they” implies plurality and it is strange to hear it explicitly refer to a single person, hearing “it” is at least as awkward (also, dehumanizing).

Wrapping Up

Anyway, I hope I’ve cleared up why I’m asking the WoW community to call me something new.  Obviously you can call me whatever the hell you damn well please regardless of my feelings towards it.  I very much appreciate being called a they and referred to as something other than an example of a male (or female, yes it happens).  To anyone who takes the effort to put up with my bullshit, thank you.  This goes double for those who are new to this.

PS

There are a lot of people for whom refusing to use their preferred pronouns is taken as personal insult.  Don’t go using me as an example for how to be trans because my gender identity is a hell of a lot less important to me than it is for most other trans people.  Also, I’m totally down to be a resource for anyone who wants to learn more about this from a source that isn’t obsessed with being politically correct.