League’s Worst Explorer

When I started my application to Riot Games one question stood out at me:  What is your least favorite champion ability?  At the time I had just started playing League and something told me to pick one of Ezreal’s abilities, but it’s only now that I understand why.  You see, Ezreal is many things.  He’s pretty well balanced.  He has a fairly high skill cap without being too hard to pick up.  But he’s also really stupid, and here’s why.

He has Two Abilities

His Q is a skillshot that fires a projectile which damages the first enemy it hits.  His W is a skillshot that fires a projectile which damages enemy champions it hits.  His R is a skillshot which fires a projectile that damages the first enemy it hits and deals less damage to everything else it hits.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, it’s literally just combining his Q and W.  Sure there are differences between his Q, W, and R but at the end of the day they are drearily similar.  So what’s his second ability?  His E.  It’s a skill that teleports you to a target location and then fires, you guessed it, a projectile at the nearest enemy.

Seriously, it’s a wonder that there’s so much depth in a kit with so little diversity.  I really don’t understand.


His Stupid Walk

I mean, just look at this screenshot.

Screen Shot 2017-08-15 at 12.20.02 AM.png

How long are those LEGS????

But here’s the real issue…

His Stupid Lore

Look, there’s no more dodging around.  His lore is three sentences.  That’s right, three.  Here, let me quote it:

Ezreal, the Prodigal Explorer

The intrepid young adventurer Ezreal has explored some of the most remote and abandoned locations on Runeterra. During an expedition to the buried ruins of ancient Shurima, he recovered an amulet of incredible mystical power. Likely constructed to be worn by one of the Ascended, the enormous talisman nonetheless fit snugly upon his arm, amplifying his raw sorcerous skill to such an extent that he’s gained the reputation of a hero, much to his embarrassment.
– http://gameinfo.na.leagueoflegends.com/en/game-info/champions/ezreal/#champion-lore
Ok, admittedly that last sentence was a bit of a run-on, but c’mon, that’s IT?!  So Ezreal is this dude who found a bracelet.  And because you decided to name him an explorer, we can’t get a real explorer in League of Legends, because that would infringe on existing champion space wouldn’t it?  This is what irks me so much about Ezreal.  Go back to his kit and tell me what part of it makes you think “explorer” when you read it.  His E could be used to explore.  I guess.  Only that’s his only escape so if he ever does try to explore then there’s a good chance he’ll die for it.
“Oh but Hail,” You might be thinking, “You didn’t talk about his passive!  Does that have to do with exploring?”
I’m glad you asked, because the answer is “No.”  His passive makes him attack faster the more times he hits people with abilities.  That’s right, so if he already knows where the enemies are, he is more effective.  Is it just me or is that the opposite of exploration?!
Let’s be real, the role of “explorer” is fantastic.  If I could play a champion who encourages me to explore the fog of war, taking risks and having ways to dodge in-and-out of vision to that would be real cool.  Frankly, Ezreal’s lore is his worst feature, and is what cements him in my mind as the stupidest champion in League of Legends.  In fact, it’s so stupid that I think I could make a better one Right Now – at 12:34 AM.  And before you ask, yes I did wait until the time was 1234 to start this next section.

Ezreal, the Spoiled Brat

Ezreal came from the land of DEMACIAAAAAAAA.  Like all Demacian champions, he was born to a royal family and as a child he was very spoiled.  One day while he was in grade-school the most popular girl brought in a fancy bracelet to show-and-tell.  The girl said the bracelet was her grandmother’s, and the way it shone got the whole class clapping.

Ezreal, not to be out-done, immediately started crying and declared that he would not stop until his parents bought him the best and shiniest bracelet in Runeterra.  Needless to say the parents immediately went to the markets and bought the best bracelet they could find, but when Ezreal saw it he cast it away!  “Nicer!” the child demanded.

So the parents tried again.  Remembering how the other bracelet came from the girl’s grandmother, they paid a visit to the the family crypt and found the best bracelet among their ancestors’ treasures.  But when Ezreal saw it, he once again cast it aside: “Nicer!” he once again pouted.

Not knowing what to do, the child’s parents looked through the market once again, and stumbled upon a mysterious booth they had not seen before.  The booth claimed to house magical artifacts discovered in ancient tombs across Runeterra.  “Well if raiding the family tomb wasn’t enough for our dear boy, perhaps one of these will be more suiting of his needs,” his father mused.  Walking in they found no bracelets, but when pressed the vender took a small case from under the table. “I’d been keeping this out of sight, but since you asked and look like you can afford such an artifact, I might just have what you’re looking for.”  The vender pulled out a shining bracelet made out of gold and held together by light.  Ezreal’s parents’ eyes widened at the sight, and after a few minutes of haggling and more than a few expletives uttered, the bracelet was on its way to its new owner.

When Ezreal saw the bracelet he knew it was something special and that his parents must have gone to great lengths to purchase this for him. “Good,” he thought, “Perhaps they’ve earned a break from serving me.”


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